BARBARA: Not exactly Ken-
REPORTER: My name isn't Ken, it's Robert.
BARBARA: Sure Rob, I apologize, you guys all look the same to me. As I was saying-
ROBERT: Isn't that a bit racist. Saying humans all look the same?
BARBARA: Rob, it isn't about race. It's about species... well technically you and I aren't even in the same 'kingdom' according to the metrics of your taxonomic system. SO it isn't any more 'racist' to say that I think all humans look alike than for you to say that all rhododendrons look alike. Seriously, if you were faced with a thousand starfish could you tell the difference between Ken the starfish and his friend Bob, even when they were sitting next to one another?
ROB: I'm not sure how to react to that...
BARBARA: It's a simple idea Rob. Now, where was I, right, the fish tank metaphor. Pshh! The planet is not a fish tank, it's an entire closed system. We intervene almost none at all. You aren't the nicest bipeds in the galaxy, you know that?
ROB: So all of the sightings and the conspiracy theories are all true, you have been studying us.
BARBARA: Yes, we have... in a sense.
ROB: I guess I have to ask this... are you planning an invasion? Are you going to wipe us out and strip the Earth of it's resources?
BARBARA: Humans. If you could all take a moment, realize where you are, and then pull your heads out of one another's asses, you'd all be better off.
ROB: Thanks for that. But it isn't such an unrealistic question, everybody is worried now that your lot have landed in the middle of Sheboygan.
BARBARA: Robert, try to wrap your head around how much energy is required to travel from here in Sheboygan to our home planet on the other side of the galaxy. Trust me, it's more energy than all of your coal and oil combined. Way more. There is nothing here on earth that wouldn't be easier to get elsewhere.
ROB: Then why are you here? I mean if you can observe us without interacting with us, why have you decided to land here in Wisconsin? Why now?
BARBARA: Well, we have interacted some with your species in the past...
ROB: So the abductees are right! You have been performing experiments on us!
BARBARA: Relax Rob, we haven't done that sort of thing for a long time. But, yes, a few thousand years ago we did some of that. It just left more of a psychic imprint than we had thought it would. That's why we're here. We need to deal with our own unintended consequences.
ROB: I'm confused.
BARBARA: Surprising no one.
ROB: Seriously, what have you done to us? Why did you do it?
BARBARA: Well, we needed a few subjects to inspect, standard procedure. The problem is that your kind really took to the process. The basic neuromimetics of the process itself created a self replicating salience structure in the numino-psychic boundary of your species. 'Abduction' as you call it, turned you creatures upside down. All that rubbish about ascendance and living forever in the sky and revelation...
ROB: Hang on a minute. Are you saying that religion is some sort of laboratory test gone wrong?
BARBARA: Well, more like an side effect really...
ROB: And that's what you lot are here to fix?
BARBARA: Yes. Well, no. Yes actually. It isn't quite that simple...
ROB: You're going to take away God? Is that what you plan on doing? You know they're going to drop every nuclear missile they've got on this midwestern hamlet the moment they hear about this? Take away God! You're off your tits!
BARBARA: Stop being such a baby Ken!
ROB: It's Rob! Not that you care...
BARBARA: I know! I'm just trying to get you back on track before you throw a wobbler on me. Listen, we're sorry, alright? We had no idea that this would get so out of hand. We tried intervening before, but it only made matters worse. It's a terribly resilient viral structure...
ROB: Tried before? What do you mean?
BARBARA: I'm not going to get into that right now Ken. Focus, will you. We aren't going to take anything away, we're going to streamline things a bit, that's all.
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